Home Sweet Home

You may remember I earlier stated that you need a first point to run to, a muster point if you will? A place to hide out at while you make sure that the Zombie Apocalypse is actually a Zombie Apocalypse not just a particularly rowdy night in whichever town you live in!

Well I know it’s not always possible to have a safe nearby location pre planned (hey most of us find it hard to have a far away safe hideaway never mind a second one) so lets work on the old saying; “An Englishman’s home is his Castle”.

First off make sure your home is well stocked, there’ll be more on this topic in a later post when we’ll discuss the perfect shopping list.

Now it’s time to Zombie Proof the outside, now this is the hard part, you don’t want to alter your house to obviously so lets pretend you keep the outside the same as always, though maybe invest in a better fence and gate if you have a garden, not much of a defense but it might discourage the casual zombie, or door to door salesperson. You do want a good quality door though, hard wood or metal for preference and NO I repeat NO windows! An internal door is also useful at this point, also works well for your green credentials but hey who cares about that when the world is owned by the dead? Windows, yes you still have them, make sure you have nice thick curtains that will block out light at night, double glazing adds a slight protection but more importantly keeps the heat in and the zombie wails out. Now personally I also like blinds and these can be secured at the base to provide a basic shutter, but actual shutters might also be nice, but when you’re certain the zombies are around, spend an hour with a hammer and the planks of wood you keep handy, a layer outside and if it gets bad a layer inside too. Upstairs windows can be left as normal, as long as normal includes blackout curtains for night, and blinds/light curtains for the day so nothing outside can tell you’re in, once again you’re essentially doing the same for Zombies as for door to door sales!

So remember when the mindless soul suckers arrive, treat them like zombies and stay hidden, stay quiet and stay safe!

Running and running

Again we've all sometimes felt the need to display the better part of valour, discretion. That is to say we issued the immortal line "Run Away!" Now that's not a crime let's be honest what kind of respectable film wouldn't have a Chase scene ( ok maybe a serious drama but even then sometimes ). So how should one run away?
Fast?
Sometimes depends on the situation. If you're in a post apocalyptic wasteland (it'll happen eventually and you'll be glad you read this ) then often speed is best, especially to get away from zombies. However usually its fairly easy to spot the fast moving escapee. So here's a tip, run fast until you get the opportunity to cover yourself. By this take a leaf out of Salt's book and learn to walk casually in a crowd and to disguise your look subtly- a hat is your friend, mayber take off or put on a jacket, not die you hair here! Leave your pursuer confused, that is the best look for them to have. Don't draw attention to yourself and if you can find a secure looking place to hide then do it but make sure there's an alternate escape route. So remember "he who runs always, lives to fight another day" and let's be honest next time you'll be better prepared....and armed!
So learn to walk before you run, its the best way to stay safe.
 

Under the sea

Situation: You need to get from point A to point B via point Sea (other bodies of liquid may be available), and lets face it it’s a post apocalyptic zombie action spy movie you’re in here so you need to do it quickly and without drawing attention to yourself. So you gently slide into the water, so far so good, nothing has seen or heard you yet. Time to start swimming… so you start with the front crawl? NO, you idiot you’ve just alerted everyone and lost sight and sound of everything. Here’s the quick tip, LEARN THE BREAST STROKE! OK it may not be as cool but it can be done silently, you can keep your eyes and ears open and hopefully you wont wake anything nasty that might fight or bite!

So learn to swim, and stay safe.

Quick tip

When the person you are hunting has a "special skills / training " section in their files that is more than a page long then just give up now and save your self the heartache. This goes double if any of the skills include unarmed combat, weapons specialist or explosives. Legitimate skills such as knitting may also be an issue if you are following the Demolition Man. 

Quick tips 1

Watching Due Date I was struck with the following idea. If you get assaulted or wrongly accused of something by a person in authority; this is a good time to have the number of your legal representation in your phone book. It's just a suggestion, it won't help you survive the apocalypse but it may prevent a lot of shit flowing your way.

 

Hospitalized?

So you wake up…You’re in a Hospital bed….you’re eyes are very dry and your mouth is too…you notice the drip attached to you…It’s empty….You shout for a nurse…nothing…”Is there anyone out there”…Nothing.

Well that about sums it up the world has obviously ended (ok it could be spending cuts but it’s unlikely they’d have left you there taking up a bed) and everyone has bugged out.

So what now? Well firstly try not to panic, I know that’s a hard thing to do, but think about it you’ve made it so far and it turns out you were just lying there in a coma or some such, now you’re conscious and can look after yourself. Secondly try and sit up and take in your surroundings, time to look for the one thing that’s in every hospital room known to man….Lucozade! Yes that’s right you’ve been still who knows when you last had substance, so look out for the energy drink and drink it slowly, then look for water and drink a little of that. Feeling better yet? Good, time to take stock, here’s what you know:

1)      You’re in a nice; safe and (hopefully) secure room and nothing has eaten you!

2)      There’s no one in shouting distance, so no point in shouting.

3)      Someone left you in here, thinking this was the safest place.

Ok time to look outside, look out the window first, can you see any of the following?

Armies of undead, deserted streets with crashed cars, signs saying “Danger Dead Inside”, rows and rows of dead bodies or funeral pyres. If the answer to any of this is "yes", congratulations you survived the Zombie apocalypse.

Here’s a tip, stay in the hospital until you can work out what the hell is happening it’s a place of safety for now. Have a look around, find some food, look for newspapers, find a weapon or two and stock up on medical supplies.

Whatever you do DON’T just go outside! I don’t care if you’re concerned about your family, they made the decision to leave you in a safe place so why argue for the moment. They know the rules and so have gone off to the muster point or your agreed safe destination so you can meet them there when you’ve got a clue about what’s happening!

So stay safe and stay where you are….for now!

The other Side- Part 1

We’ve all been there, for one reason or other maybe you fell in with a bad crowd when you were young, maybe you needed the money. Maybe it’s just a job for you and you thought what the hell this is where my skill set is going to take me, maybe you just wanted to “be like the cool kids”, let’s face it it might just be that you really like wearing black. No matter how you got here you’ve become one of the baddies, and I don’t mean the big bad, you’re just a flunky to be honest. So here’s a tip, you and your fellow cohorts are sat around in the lair/base/warehouse having a chat and a drink, all’s quiet, the Big Bad Boss-man has gone off doing whatever it is when he’s plotting. Suddenly the door opens, and in walks in a fairly short gentleman, he looks like he’s in his late forties, has a slightly bemused or wry smile on his face. Let’s face it he’s no threat to anyone is he? Unfortunately for him though he’s come to the wrong place so you and your guys have to beat him, haven’t you? So off the others go, the first tries to hit him and this is where the tip comes in……..DONT!  That nice looking guy with the humanitarian streak is Jet Li and yes he is a good guy but he will destroy you and anyone else who stands in his way of being that good guy. I don’t care if you’ve got a knife, or a gun, or even a high powered rifle and a scope you will lose! If you want to survive this Movie your only option is be polite, ask him nicely where he wants to go and offer to give him a map, then go and lie down somewhere and like the possum play dead. Remember you’re not the hero here he is so back of and stay the hell away there’s no way that any physical interaction will end well for you, even if you manage to subdue him, it will be a trap and you will pay for it later.

So stay safe and back away from the gently smiling nice guy!

Zeroth rule

A good theme for life, while Zombieland would have us believe Rule 1 should be "cardio " this is all very well and good but there is maybe a Rule Zero to borrow a concept from the late great Isaac Asimov and Q from the Bond franchise. The rule is simple, always know your escape plan and make sure everyone else does too. Come the zombie apocalypse you don't want to be thinking hmm now where to now? You need an instant muster point, easy to access and easy to defend , but close enough you can wander home if it blows over without feeling too embarrassed- or worse arrested for looting, damage or "random" acts of violence.
Those who can't make it need to know your next rendezvous locations enroute to your place of final safety. Sounds stupid but how many times have we seen the random  wanderings of immediate post apocalypse survivors die cos they stuck too close to a city full of hungry hungry zombies. So remember to get out and then move on out and most importantly make sure your friends and families know where to meet you!
Stay safe folks

Skyline

So watching Skyline I was struck by a couple of major survival flaws:
1) if you are the government and you decide to take out the aliens do you launch a complicated strike force of advanced uav and f22 fighters to try and get close enough to launch a single nuke at the alien craft? Or do you use the relatively simple and cheap option of ICBM or even tomohawk missiles to deliver a shit load of pain. I quote "nuke them till they glow then shoot them in the dark!"
2) More importantly if you are lucky enough to survive aforementioned nuking, get the help out of dodge, radiation is not a fun way to die, I don't care how low the films budget is just go out the door and try and try past the aliens while they're confused by the megatonne blasts and RUN away.
More to follow soon

It lives

Yes that's right my beautiful creature has returned.
More importantly thanks to the miracle of modern technology this time it'll stay alive like one of the monsters I'll be teaching you how to survive.
So stay tuned for hints tips and guides to the best way to survive a zombie apocalyptic action kung-fu spy thriller.