Simple advice for the Bad Guys

So again you're sat in a room, in fairness you're probably with your friends. The odds are this isn't a criminal mastermind you're working for, most likely it's a small town thing, or maybe something drug related, at the extreme end of things maybe even a drugs lord. Around you are people you've known for years, you're not well paid, and you enjoy the company and the card playing (you always seem to be playing cards). Recently there's been a bit of a problem with someone who's returned to the area, but it blew over he was beaten up it's not a problem now, but the boss has asked you all to spend a bit more time "in the office", actually around the office but hey what do you care, you're probably even allowed to have the occasional beer during this overtime...Does any of this sound familiar so far?

Suddenly a knock at the door, then another, then the door flies off it hinges, you look up dazed and shocked to see that no you were obviously mistaken as the doorway is still blocked. Then in it walks a mountain of muscle, biceps that to be honest look like tree trunks and not the small ones, we're talking oaks that Robin Hood would recognise here. Yes it turns out that your boss has pissed off one Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, fantastic. So it's decision time....

Do you take the risk and think it's just one man what can he do let’s all work together and beat him with whatever is at hand, that'll work?  NO let’s be honest this is The Rock, if it had been a gorilla you might have had a chance but not you try and hit him with a baseball bat and let's be honest it'll break and go home to its bat like children whimpering about the pain and misery of its day and how it wishes you were dead. A wish by the way which it probably didn't notice came true.

Option two, shoot him. Well if you're lucky you might be able to hit a vital organ but again remember the size of those arms, the odds are slim and to be frank, he'll probably still beat you to a pulp.

Option three, apologise for any wrong doing you've done and offer to hold his coat while he goes and find's your boss. This is the best option, for a change I wouldn't even suggest just running away, as by this point he's already seen you and that's you up a certain creek without a certain paddle unless you take this opportunity to make your amends!

So remember folks, if it's built like a building and named after something known for being unbreakable, apologise and offer to help, it's the only way to staff safe.

Batman Live- a review on the lighter side of the Dark Knight

So on Tuesday as a break from a busy week, a close friend of mine managed to get hold (by hook or by crook I didn't want to ask) tickets for the World Premiere of a new stage show and asked if I wanted to go. My first thought was no then I found out what it was for......BATMAN LIVE!!!!

So off I went wondering what I've let myself in for, is it going to be a musical, ar Batman and the Joker going to break into a duet of "lets call the whole thing off", or even better the 1990's Spitting Image parody, "lets blow the whole world up"?

First impressions, there's a massive screen with Gotham on it as background, then a blimps floats accross, and the clouds move, now that's pretty cool, and then I notice it's in the shape of a BAT! from our seats we can see that infront of the backing scenery there's a stage with the top portions of Gotham's architechture, again all looking pretty cool.

Then the lights dim and a really nice intro of a radio commentator talking about the crimes of the Masked criminals and then introducing the Bat.

Rather than give you a blow by blow account I'm going to point out a few positives and negatives and then see what you guys think.

First the Good:

The Bat shaped big screen is awesome, having a background that shifts and moves to portray depth etc, this was one of the best intergrations of cinema and stage I've ever seen and to be honest that includes Disney World, Universal Studios and Kennedy Space Centre. I loved the use of comic book graphics for transitions as it kept the story moving quickly which has often put me off show's before, especially when they feel the need to stay in one location because of it.

Next up, the Batmobile, this was a nice looking bit of kit and again good use of the screen to introduce it, and even a bit of homage to oldschool batman in there too!

and lastly (not saying that this is it though) the visual experience, I like acrobatics, and to have a cast where 90% plus are gymnasts, not just that, but add in a circus based theme and then you've got a stage where somethings happening all the time. This leads me unfortuantly to the first and major negative

The Ugly:

Yes it's good to have a lot happening on stage, yes it looked stunning, but this is meant to be an Arena tour, now I was sat about 15 rows from the front. and still I struggled to see the actors especially when they were at the back of the stage. I assume there were facial expressions but I could have been wrong. in the Arena in question, there are an additional 40 or so rows behond me rising in stadium seating, need I say more. So why not spend a little more and have a couple of big screens to cover the action on either side, most concerts manage it these days so why not at a completely choreographed event?

now call me oldschool here, but I found that the fight scenes missed a little something, yes that's it now POW or KAPOW, in the second act there were some sound effects for the fights, but not many and intermittent, I'd like to see this fixed.

Lastly I may have loved the Batmobile, but the only part of the show that really turned me off was the 3-4 minute bigscreen car drive to Arkham, I could see no reason for it, nothing happened and it was cheesy CGI so ruined the look of the rest of the show.

So All in All I liked it,

If anyone sees it let me know what you think

more moview reviews soon

TR

IndieGoGo is a Go

Sorry folks,

It's been a long road
Getting from there to here
It's been a long time
But my time is finally near

ok so cheesy Star Trek themes aside, this is an update to let you know I'm trying to move onwards.

Actually not just onwards but upwards, so to help with this I've taken on a co writer and now begging bowl in hand I've started a campaign on IndieGoGo to try and both promote this cause but more importantly we want http://www.survivningmovies.com/ to be reborn better and stronger than before, because yes we have the technology but now we just need the six million dollars (ok actually aiming for $500 but I can dream)

so please dont hesitate to check out surviving movies on IndieGoGo
and stay safe folks

May The Fourth Be With You!

Ok first off a couple of quick apologies.
1)To my loyal readers - both of you- sorry for the delay in this post but I’ve been traveling the world, well eastern Europe but more on those thoughts tomorrow.
2)To everyone else, sorry for putting a StarWars post here just like everyone else today, but you may have notice I’m a bit of a geek and let’s be honest if you’re reading this you probably are too.

So I thought what could I do as way to survive a StarWars movie, a bit of a toughie, do I go for the bad guy angle of, maybe don’t build your Uber station of war with not only a single weak point that would cause it to explode if a small charge hits it. Or if you have to do this, maybe invest in some mesh fencing, see you don’t even need to completely seal it off just a few pounds of netting would have solved the issue.
Maybe I could suggest that if you have orders to kill the diplomatic mission from the Jedi Council and you are on a warship in space run by robots rather than slowly gassing them you could maybe open the area to that nice vacuum outside and pop freeze dried Jedi.

On the other side of thing…..

…Jedi you fight with a weapon from a more civilized age, and when used well you use it like a katana, now Miyamoto Musashi states in the book of the five rings that using only one sword is a waste of one of your hands and is like asking for defeat!
…Or… and this is something that got me from the first time I watched A New Hope many years ago, if in a very small space, around the size of a sword handle in fact you can create a beam of light which can cut through absolutely anything, then surely it can't just be me who would take this and upscale it. A nice space craft with a generator and these LightSabers around it making a light shield which would make your craft invulnerable to blaster fire and the ultimate battering ram. Lateral thinking anyone?

So remember if you are told “these are not the droids you are looking for” then they probably are.
Most importantly May the Fourth be with you while you stay safe today.


    

Living Doll

A quick one here, I watched Coraline last night and as I watched I was struck with a thought which later on became more concrete and now has solidified into a rule for here.

So situation, you move into a new house, and when wandering about you find a blocked off small door, so far so good. Nothing else really happens then you get given a doll which has been in the house owner’s family for decades that happens to look exactly like you.

Do you carry it around with you call it little you, and inform it of all your woes? No you moron, it’s blatantly a trap of some variety. You should be thinking hmm that’s a bit unlikely and give it back at the least, or if you’re sensible burn it, and that take half the ashes and cast them to the winds and the other half into the sewers so that never the twain shall meet. Do this and you can be free to explore your new home and environs at your own leisure and in safety!

So stay safe from prying eyes

Bang bang boom

One of those things I never really understood coming up...
You and the rest of the world are up against a super villain wizard (ok so I saw adverts all over the place for the new harry potter films recently, sue me). To make things worse not only is he clever but also nothing in your to be frank wussy selection if spells can harm him. So far so bad. The people in charge of your sub world let the government know this.
So here's my issue, yes this guy is a bad ass, yes in 1-2-1 combat he'll fry you, but he needs to know that things are heading his way, so why not invest in an M1A1 barret anti everything rifle, fires a mere .50 cal round over half a mile at supersonic speeds. Cos I don't care how good your skills be its very hard to get the words right when your brain's spread all over the street.
Just a thought guys

This is the end?

As you may or may not be aware there’s a new Scream movie coming out soon, now seeing the posters got me thinking about an old issue for many a protagonist.

The situation:

It’s nearly the end of the film, you’ve worked out who the killer is, ran away for a bit, managed to survive this long, well done. You even managed to survive the big set piece show down, that’s it, the killer/monster/alien/robot is vanquished, time to go walk off into the sunset with the gal/guy/dog of your choosing possibly even with a humorous quip about how you knew it would all be alright….

NO, you moron have you never watched any of the derivatives of the film you’re in (double negative points if you’re in a Scream movie as someone will have already made reference to this)? That killer monster alien robot is not going to stay down the first time, you’ve got to be prepared to take some serious action.

First, never let the body out of your site until you’ve confirmed its death, anything else is just asking to be attacked again before the credits or worse a sequel!

Second, as  Jesse Eisenberg rightly says in Zombieland, “Double Tap”, just because you’ve seen someone take a fall doesn’t mean they’re dead. Solution, aim for the head if there’s just 1 target empty a fall clip into it, a bloody mess on the floor has real difficulties in coming back.

Thirdly, if your method of dispatch is a vehicle, hit reverse and keep on driving forward and back until you no longer notice the bumps!

Fourthly, if it’s an option (and remember this is a potentially something that will return again and again after you and your family) dismemberment works well, and I don’t just mean rip the arms and legs of the robot. I’m more of a cut it up into tiny little pieces and jump up and down on it until you can think of a way of dispatching each individual part to a different location.

So to summarise, if your nemesis managed to take a lot of damage to put it down then the odds are that if you leave, then like Chubawhumba, they’ll get knocked down then get up again…

As Cold As Ice….

Sometimes something trivial happens in a film, something so small that nobody notices it, but these are the mistakes that should mean you don’t make it to the end of the movie, or you’ll put yourself through hell to get there when it should have been easy. This happened to me watching The Day After Tomorrow, now I loved this film, despite sitting next to a science author who specializes in climate change so yes I know the science is off but hey I sat between to paleontologists when I first watched Jurassic Park.

So the situation that you never know might come up in your everyday trying to survive lives…

…you’re stuck in an old library, it’s getting cold and you’ve been told it’s going to get a LOT colder; you retreat into the one room with a working fireplace. Time to burn stuff right?

Yes, yes indeed it is time to burn stuff, so you get the books, they’re made of paper they’ll burn well lets get them all in fact lets take every book in a massive library and chuck them onto the fire. Now here’s my issue, yes paper burns easily and hot but also quickly, so why did the theoretically intelligent people in the room not notice all the lovely wood around the place oak tables and hardwood chairs? You use paper to get the fire going and then small wood then bigger pieces and now suddenly rather than having to constantly throw books onto the fire you can have a nice steady fire roaring away, and who knows maybe you’ll make it to the end of the film in relative comfort.

So remember book burning is all very well and good, but the shelves they’re on burn so much better.

Just curious

As the title says I'm just a little curious as to what brings people here, why not comment and let me know.

Also I watched Tron Legacy today and the more I watched the more I thought to myself, surely a hacker in a world inside a computer would be able to break the rules a little more, because lets be honest isn't that the best way to survive inside a logical computer environment. So next time you're trapped inside the Grid, use your evolutionary right to be chaotic and illogical, see how they cope with that.

There Be Dragons!

So I watched Sucker Punch last night, not really anything to be said on here about it as to be honest why would me rules and thoughts be relevant in an environment mostly created by the imagination of a less than stable mind. However one sequence involved a Dragon and this reminded me of a rant from the depths of time (well 2002)…

… 2002 was a good year stuff happened and also the world ended, well at least according to the film Reign of Fire it did anyways. Now throughout history there have been stories and legends about Dragons, I like Dragons they’re pretty cool. In these an angry Dragon would cause mass terror and devastation this is legitimate, a hundred years ago if dragons appeared they would cause devastation. Now here is my suggestion of how to really survive the film Reign of Fire. Let the Government sort it out. Sounds a bit lazy, yup it sure is but it’s what we pay our taxes for, but lets look at this another way. The dragons in that film could be killed with mediaeval style weapons but somehow managed to evade and destroy the entire worlds military might in a short period of time.

So Rant time it is, we live in a world where we have developed the Sea Harrier which can hover, is close to as maneuverable as a bird. We have anti aircraft cannon that measure their shots per minute in the multiple thousand and can fill a large area of the sky with lead. Missiles have been developed that travel at hypersonic speeds to destroy other small missiles travelling at similar speeds. So how are we meant to believe that these winged predators somehow managed to evade all of this?

Now it could be argued that the worlds advanced military technology was caught by surprise (wouldn’t be the first time) or maybe the missiles etc weren’t able to find the dragons on Radar (unlikely but I’m grasping at straws here). So maybe it’s time for us to take over from the government on this one, what could we use to kill a dragon…

…Well my first choice is to mention that in this world of ours in a large proportion of it, hunters are allowed to legally own depleted uranium bullets for the fifty cal rifles to go out and shoot deer. Now I’m thinking that a weapon/ammunition combo designed as an anti material weapon should be able to cope quite easily with a wussy creature that can be killed by ballistae.

So probably the easiest way to survive a movie here, pay you taxes or let over zealous hunters do what they like to do, sounds like the best way to stay safe against these dragons. One last thing, if the dragons are Eastern and magical all bets are off and it’s time to hope for a different solution.

Scream if you want to go faster.

As you may be able to tell I’ve watched a few films with car chases in recently, but this is a pure and simple rant that’s been brewing for some time I will try and keep a lesson in survival in here somewhere!

I live in a European country which is considered by our European neighbours to have a rather pedestrian attitude towards speed in that our motorway speed limit is 70 mph. We have cars which have an electronic limiter of 155mph because travelling beyond that speed is considered to be starting to be unsafe by my Germen brethren. The not so far away Isle of Mann has a section of road through the mountains that not only is part of one of the fastest road races in the world (one racer past an average of 140mph over a 34 mile track of twisty mountain routes), but it is open to anyone the rest of the year with NO SPEED LIMITS! 

Now with that all in place why do I repeatedly see in Hollywood films cars being driven really fast away from various police, bad guys etc, then a shot of the speedo and bam 50-60mph?

This is not a fast speed, in gone in 60 seconds a car hit 100mph and the police helicopter claimed not to be able to keep up, over here non suped up police cars can hit 120, there’s modified Volvo’s on the force that can hit the 150 mark fully laden with equipment. Can I only assume that in these films I see that the protagonists don’t really want to be free they’re just teasing the Police? So here’s my tip for this one, you’re organising a bank job or some other sort of crime, be sensible and buy a European or Japanese car as your getaway, and then when you scream you want to go faster... you will!

Cars have three pedals you know?

Ok first off I apologise to any Americans or others who use automatic vehicles, yes I realise they only have two pedals.

Now that that’s over with, here’s the meat of the issue, you’re driving along and you notice you’re being followed... they get closer, maybe a shot is fired (all depends on the type of film this is), maybe they bump you trying to drive you off the road. Your instinctive response it to drive faster, harder and like a lunatic through the traffic. Unfortunately the car following you can see every move you make and the traffic ahead of you, they can anticipate every move you make as you steam along blindly hoping to escape. So here’s today’s tip, look for the opportune moment, let them pull along side, and hit the brake, then turn at the next available turning. Suddenly that car that would have stuck on your tail until you were royally screwed has blasted off at speed and has no idea where you went, and you get to turn another corner, drive safely and calmly maybe even get out and walk and they’ll never see you again.

So remember the brake is there for a reason.

Home Sweet Home

You may remember I earlier stated that you need a first point to run to, a muster point if you will? A place to hide out at while you make sure that the Zombie Apocalypse is actually a Zombie Apocalypse not just a particularly rowdy night in whichever town you live in!

Well I know it’s not always possible to have a safe nearby location pre planned (hey most of us find it hard to have a far away safe hideaway never mind a second one) so lets work on the old saying; “An Englishman’s home is his Castle”.

First off make sure your home is well stocked, there’ll be more on this topic in a later post when we’ll discuss the perfect shopping list.

Now it’s time to Zombie Proof the outside, now this is the hard part, you don’t want to alter your house to obviously so lets pretend you keep the outside the same as always, though maybe invest in a better fence and gate if you have a garden, not much of a defense but it might discourage the casual zombie, or door to door salesperson. You do want a good quality door though, hard wood or metal for preference and NO I repeat NO windows! An internal door is also useful at this point, also works well for your green credentials but hey who cares about that when the world is owned by the dead? Windows, yes you still have them, make sure you have nice thick curtains that will block out light at night, double glazing adds a slight protection but more importantly keeps the heat in and the zombie wails out. Now personally I also like blinds and these can be secured at the base to provide a basic shutter, but actual shutters might also be nice, but when you’re certain the zombies are around, spend an hour with a hammer and the planks of wood you keep handy, a layer outside and if it gets bad a layer inside too. Upstairs windows can be left as normal, as long as normal includes blackout curtains for night, and blinds/light curtains for the day so nothing outside can tell you’re in, once again you’re essentially doing the same for Zombies as for door to door sales!

So remember when the mindless soul suckers arrive, treat them like zombies and stay hidden, stay quiet and stay safe!

Running and running

Again we've all sometimes felt the need to display the better part of valour, discretion. That is to say we issued the immortal line "Run Away!" Now that's not a crime let's be honest what kind of respectable film wouldn't have a Chase scene ( ok maybe a serious drama but even then sometimes ). So how should one run away?
Fast?
Sometimes depends on the situation. If you're in a post apocalyptic wasteland (it'll happen eventually and you'll be glad you read this ) then often speed is best, especially to get away from zombies. However usually its fairly easy to spot the fast moving escapee. So here's a tip, run fast until you get the opportunity to cover yourself. By this take a leaf out of Salt's book and learn to walk casually in a crowd and to disguise your look subtly- a hat is your friend, mayber take off or put on a jacket, not die you hair here! Leave your pursuer confused, that is the best look for them to have. Don't draw attention to yourself and if you can find a secure looking place to hide then do it but make sure there's an alternate escape route. So remember "he who runs always, lives to fight another day" and let's be honest next time you'll be better prepared....and armed!
So learn to walk before you run, its the best way to stay safe.
 

Under the sea

Situation: You need to get from point A to point B via point Sea (other bodies of liquid may be available), and lets face it it’s a post apocalyptic zombie action spy movie you’re in here so you need to do it quickly and without drawing attention to yourself. So you gently slide into the water, so far so good, nothing has seen or heard you yet. Time to start swimming… so you start with the front crawl? NO, you idiot you’ve just alerted everyone and lost sight and sound of everything. Here’s the quick tip, LEARN THE BREAST STROKE! OK it may not be as cool but it can be done silently, you can keep your eyes and ears open and hopefully you wont wake anything nasty that might fight or bite!

So learn to swim, and stay safe.

Quick tip

When the person you are hunting has a "special skills / training " section in their files that is more than a page long then just give up now and save your self the heartache. This goes double if any of the skills include unarmed combat, weapons specialist or explosives. Legitimate skills such as knitting may also be an issue if you are following the Demolition Man. 

Quick tips 1

Watching Due Date I was struck with the following idea. If you get assaulted or wrongly accused of something by a person in authority; this is a good time to have the number of your legal representation in your phone book. It's just a suggestion, it won't help you survive the apocalypse but it may prevent a lot of shit flowing your way.

 

Hospitalized?

So you wake up…You’re in a Hospital bed….you’re eyes are very dry and your mouth is too…you notice the drip attached to you…It’s empty….You shout for a nurse…nothing…”Is there anyone out there”…Nothing.

Well that about sums it up the world has obviously ended (ok it could be spending cuts but it’s unlikely they’d have left you there taking up a bed) and everyone has bugged out.

So what now? Well firstly try not to panic, I know that’s a hard thing to do, but think about it you’ve made it so far and it turns out you were just lying there in a coma or some such, now you’re conscious and can look after yourself. Secondly try and sit up and take in your surroundings, time to look for the one thing that’s in every hospital room known to man….Lucozade! Yes that’s right you’ve been still who knows when you last had substance, so look out for the energy drink and drink it slowly, then look for water and drink a little of that. Feeling better yet? Good, time to take stock, here’s what you know:

1)      You’re in a nice; safe and (hopefully) secure room and nothing has eaten you!

2)      There’s no one in shouting distance, so no point in shouting.

3)      Someone left you in here, thinking this was the safest place.

Ok time to look outside, look out the window first, can you see any of the following?

Armies of undead, deserted streets with crashed cars, signs saying “Danger Dead Inside”, rows and rows of dead bodies or funeral pyres. If the answer to any of this is "yes", congratulations you survived the Zombie apocalypse.

Here’s a tip, stay in the hospital until you can work out what the hell is happening it’s a place of safety for now. Have a look around, find some food, look for newspapers, find a weapon or two and stock up on medical supplies.

Whatever you do DON’T just go outside! I don’t care if you’re concerned about your family, they made the decision to leave you in a safe place so why argue for the moment. They know the rules and so have gone off to the muster point or your agreed safe destination so you can meet them there when you’ve got a clue about what’s happening!

So stay safe and stay where you are….for now!

The other Side- Part 1

We’ve all been there, for one reason or other maybe you fell in with a bad crowd when you were young, maybe you needed the money. Maybe it’s just a job for you and you thought what the hell this is where my skill set is going to take me, maybe you just wanted to “be like the cool kids”, let’s face it it might just be that you really like wearing black. No matter how you got here you’ve become one of the baddies, and I don’t mean the big bad, you’re just a flunky to be honest. So here’s a tip, you and your fellow cohorts are sat around in the lair/base/warehouse having a chat and a drink, all’s quiet, the Big Bad Boss-man has gone off doing whatever it is when he’s plotting. Suddenly the door opens, and in walks in a fairly short gentleman, he looks like he’s in his late forties, has a slightly bemused or wry smile on his face. Let’s face it he’s no threat to anyone is he? Unfortunately for him though he’s come to the wrong place so you and your guys have to beat him, haven’t you? So off the others go, the first tries to hit him and this is where the tip comes in……..DONT!  That nice looking guy with the humanitarian streak is Jet Li and yes he is a good guy but he will destroy you and anyone else who stands in his way of being that good guy. I don’t care if you’ve got a knife, or a gun, or even a high powered rifle and a scope you will lose! If you want to survive this Movie your only option is be polite, ask him nicely where he wants to go and offer to give him a map, then go and lie down somewhere and like the possum play dead. Remember you’re not the hero here he is so back of and stay the hell away there’s no way that any physical interaction will end well for you, even if you manage to subdue him, it will be a trap and you will pay for it later.

So stay safe and back away from the gently smiling nice guy!

Zeroth rule

A good theme for life, while Zombieland would have us believe Rule 1 should be "cardio " this is all very well and good but there is maybe a Rule Zero to borrow a concept from the late great Isaac Asimov and Q from the Bond franchise. The rule is simple, always know your escape plan and make sure everyone else does too. Come the zombie apocalypse you don't want to be thinking hmm now where to now? You need an instant muster point, easy to access and easy to defend , but close enough you can wander home if it blows over without feeling too embarrassed- or worse arrested for looting, damage or "random" acts of violence.
Those who can't make it need to know your next rendezvous locations enroute to your place of final safety. Sounds stupid but how many times have we seen the random  wanderings of immediate post apocalypse survivors die cos they stuck too close to a city full of hungry hungry zombies. So remember to get out and then move on out and most importantly make sure your friends and families know where to meet you!
Stay safe folks

Skyline

So watching Skyline I was struck by a couple of major survival flaws:
1) if you are the government and you decide to take out the aliens do you launch a complicated strike force of advanced uav and f22 fighters to try and get close enough to launch a single nuke at the alien craft? Or do you use the relatively simple and cheap option of ICBM or even tomohawk missiles to deliver a shit load of pain. I quote "nuke them till they glow then shoot them in the dark!"
2) More importantly if you are lucky enough to survive aforementioned nuking, get the help out of dodge, radiation is not a fun way to die, I don't care how low the films budget is just go out the door and try and try past the aliens while they're confused by the megatonne blasts and RUN away.
More to follow soon

It lives

Yes that's right my beautiful creature has returned.
More importantly thanks to the miracle of modern technology this time it'll stay alive like one of the monsters I'll be teaching you how to survive.
So stay tuned for hints tips and guides to the best way to survive a zombie apocalyptic action kung-fu spy thriller.